High School Drinking

I performed at a high school a couple of weeks ago. No, not for high school students, although there were some there, but rather for an adult crowd, as we were raising money for the band and color guard. With so many of the arts programs under-funded and being cut, it’s something very important to me to help lend a hand. Plus, if I were not a geek in the arts, I would not be where I am today!

I loved the crowd who showed up at the Patriot High School theatre, but had to deal with a man who was one of the worst behaved drunken patrons I have ever come across in all my years of stand up.

Sometimes I just can’t believe the behavior some adults have when they get liquored up. It’s as if they cannot grow up, still “partying” as if it was something new or promising. When I was younger, each keg party, chugging contest and fake ID nightclub entry offered the possibility of me and a hot girl losing our fears and insecurities (and her standards), resulting in a memorable encounter without inhibition (or clothes!).

I cannot comprehend how these middle aged folks can keep up with the same pace as their initial days, when their drinking career began. What motivates them to focus on how much booze they can put in their system? I am beyond bored by hearing the same stories I heard when I pledged my fraternity. “Did you see how many beers “Polar” drank? He’s a maniac! He was drivin’ the porcelain bus all night!” Now, a REAL polar bear driving a toilet would get my attention, but to see another over weight pasty man vomit into a commode to solidify his status as a “Pukelear Disaster” does nothing for me.

It’s pretty much expected behavior for teens and 20s, but this large framed guy in his late 40s in the front row at the Patriot High School show was no different than me over doing my first boozing experience with the Boone’s Farm wine when I was 13.

This guy was so obliterated; he had no clue that he was ruining the show for everyone else. Only a few minutes into the show, he had already tipped the embarrassment scale so much, he was asked to leave. To top it all off, his wife was right behind him and ended up with her head in the toilet too (in the boy’s room), as her seventeen year old daughter held her mother’s hair back from getting wet in the bowl.

What a beautiful parental bonding moment indeed. Mom heaves in the bathroom usually inhabited by students, while daddy has his head between his legs on a bench outside. Can you ground your parents?

I’m trying not to be sanctimonious, but I am simply trying to offer another way of thinking on the matter of how much one consumes. Even if the choice is to imbibe mass quantities, can you do it where no one has to be forced to see the ugly manifestations of the way alcohol jives with your particular DNA? How about we change the rules to make it similar to when you see a couple making out in public? If someone is a drunken idiot – get a room!

I was watching ESPN recently and was saddened to see another drunk driver take the life of a young major league baseball pitcher, Nick Adenhart, who was killed along with two other passengers in Southern California. The killer was 22 years old, the same age as the player, who had just pitched a great game for the Los Angeles Angels. The promising career and life of a young man was cut short by a guy who thought he was out for a “good time.”

And then, with no irony lost on me, the sports station went to a commercial that showed young men and women enjoying their life, enhanced by the sponsor of the ad. Yup, it was an alcohol commercial, showing how happy you will be if you buy this brand of spirits. It might even help your loser ass get laid!

Is it really worth it to pound down the alcohol as if it was your life blood? How many times has it led to anything great? For this moron in the front row, surely it has not boosted his life any or enhanced his night out. Actually, he had the potential to destroy a night on the town for everyone else, just because he selfishly wanted to be the life of the party.

No one pays for a show ticket hoping that a drunken clown spouts his mouth off in the middle of a punch line. I have never purchased a pass to see a Broadway show with the anticipation that an audience member could enhance my night out. The entertainment has been written and rehearsed without the plan of having input from Al Coholic. Trust me, mind altering concoctions lead to stupidity not a sharper whit, so if you do choose to go toe to toe with a comic, do it sober.

Next time, when you want to cause others to have a good time, buy them a couple lotto tickets. There is a much better chance of getting lucky, and the happiness lasts a lot longer…